A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
.
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

A woman was in a coma.She'd been in it for months.The nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.One of them was washing her private area when she noticed there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.They tried it again and sure enough there was a small recognisable movement.They went to her husband and explained what happened telling him that crazy as it sounds,maybe a little oral sex might do the trick & bring her out of the coma.
The husband was sceptical,but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.No pulse no heart beat!The nurses ran into the room.."What happened?"they cried.

The husband said...."I'm not sure.....maybe she choked."

 Two Biker Chicks, a blonde and a redhead, are parked across
  street from a flower shop, where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
 
 The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh damn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
 
 The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
 
 The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde looks at her curiously for a moment and says,
 "Don't you have a vase?"

 Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept
the same tag line....
Sainsbury flavoured condoms - Making life taste better.
Tesco condoms - Every little helps.
Nike condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.
KFC condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.
FCUK condoms
Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - Size really does matter.
Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim.
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.
Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.
Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.

 A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped
naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree', and they
started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". " What de hell is'Bell Four'?"
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de
fire."

 A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Newcastle courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody
of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Sunderland
Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

12 Things for bored Bikers to do at Asda while your partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. Works for Anusol or vaginal deodorant, remove price tag first for best results.
2. Set ! all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares . ! and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on HP.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.
9. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.
10. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
11. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
* (And; last, but not least!)*
12. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 A young Aberdeen newlywed Bikers, Dunc and Babs, wanted to join the church. The minister told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month to show commitment to
the Lord."
The couple agreed but after two and a half weeks returned to the Church. When the Minister ushers them into his office, Babs is greetin' and Dunc is hingin his heid. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Minister inquired.
"Aye, we're ashamed tae admit bit we didnae manage tae stop haein s e x for the required month...." Dunc replied sadly. The Minister asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was affa difficult.... bit wi managed tae abstain through sheer willpower. The second wik was worse, but wi' the use o'prayer, we managed to ignore the urge. However, the third wik was unbearable. We tried a'thing - cold showers, prayer, reading fae the Bible aloud.... onything to keep wir minds aff s e x."
One afterneen, Babs reached for a can of peas and dropped it. Fin she bint o'er to pick it up, I was overcome wi' lust and gave her eeen right there and then." admitted Dunc, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," said the Minister.
"We ken at." said Dunc shakin his heid, ..."An we're nae affa welcome at Asda, either."

 A man takes his wife to the county agricultural show. They start heading down the stalls that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to screw the same cow every day."

The lawyer said - "Last night I licked my wife all over and she got so excited that she felt like she was floating"

The doctor said - "Last night as I fingered my wife she got so excited that her body actually rose off the bed"

The biker said "Boys thats fuck all, Last night I fucked my wife hard up the ass then I jumped up and wiped my dick on the curtains and my wife............Hit The Roof

 A small Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a biker and part-time grounds keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Bubba, like most bikers, had little education, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £100?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Bubba, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £100."